Richard North, 11/04/2014  
 

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The Institute of Embarrassing Amateurs' shambolic attempts to run the supposedly prestige "Brexit" competition has now descended into high farce. IEA supremo Mark Littlewood's favoured dweeb, Iain Mansfield, has been pulled out of the limelight and put on the next flight to Manila by his bosses.

According to the Barclay Beano, he has been banned by the Foreign Office from giving interviews, after pocketing €100,000 for his schoolboy essay on how to leave the EU, despite security guards initially mistaking him for the coffee boy and taking the money back (pic). They relented when Mark Littlewood assured them that he really was the winner, and the mistake couldn't be rectified.

Meanwhile William Hague is said to be "furious" that one of his junior employees has broken ranks to reveal the low standards of educational attainment in the FCO. To avoid further embarrassment, Hague has refused to allow Mansfield to be seen in public and had him booked on the first flight out to Manila. Reports that he is to be shipped out with a hessian bag over his head on a CIA rendition flight have yet to be confirmed.

After being picked up in Kensington, outside Hawwods, Mansfield is said to be distraught. He has been told to hand over his air miles to help cover the costs of his rendition, having already spent the prize money on a custom, gold-plated Steinway for his nanny, Luthinda.

Problems for the FCO had multiplied when intellectually challenged journos in the Barclay Beano started talking up the dweeb as a new "intellectual voice in the media". When the Independent referred to him as a "brilliant diplomat", Hague knew he had to move quickly and get Mansfield off the streets.

This leaves the hapless Littlewood in deep doo-doo. Already having to justify giving €100,000 to a trainee office boy from the FCO, he is now being asked to explain to his donors why he doesn't even get to use the dweeb for publicity stunts.

But Littlewood and his sidekick Booth are now in even further trouble. Cover-girl duties for the once-coveted "Brexit" prize now fall to Freedom Association intern, Worwy Bwoomfield (14). His submission mistakenly got caught up in the second prize folder, having fallen off the shredder pile. Now he is the face of "Brexit", to the acute embarrassment of all concerned. 

Worwy's screed is said to be so toe-curlingly bad that even co-author Iain Murray is trying to disown it. Washington-based Murrray, having failed to have his name removed from the cover, is leaving on the first available flight out of the country.

Meanwhile, IEA chairman Dave Myddelton is seeking to place his ten-year-old granddaughter in the poll position. However, critics point out that she only got ten out of forty points in her last exam. Worwy got eleven and a gold star for attendance.

Now, further inquiries direct to Littlewood's office are being met with a machine-generated message declaring: "I now consider this correspondence closed".  Camilla Goodgirl, speaking for the IEA, says Littlewood will be unavailable for the next few days as he is booked on a cv-writing and career-enhancement course. 

And, in breaking news, the IEA is now preparing a press release on the FCO attempts to "gag" the press, in the certain knowledge that Iain Dale, after his own media relations triumph, will be thick enough to buy the spin. He did, after all, believe everything he read in The Grocer.

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